On August 30, 2013 we went for a routine ultrasound at 11 weeks gestation to make sure everything was progressing as expected with our identical twins. It was my first pregnancy and these babies were so wanted. We were thrilled when we found out we were having a baby and over the moon (and slightly overwhelmed!) to find out we were expecting identical twins! I sang to them…We dreamed about their futures. We had a glorious first three months of pregnancy. But the world came crashing down on me that unforgettable day in August when the doctor told us “the ultrasound didn’t look good. There were no heartbeats.” I was torn apart, devastated beyond words. The sadness was unimaginable…crushing. That is just one of the things I never knew about miscarriages until I had one. I never really knew or could even imagine how excruciating the emotional pain could be.
What I Never Knew About Miscarriages
I never knew that miscarriages could come with no warning signs. I always thought there would be pain, bleeding, cramping…something, anything that warns you of what is happening or that something isn’t quite right. I never knew that you could go to an ultrasound thinking everything is fine and be told the devastating news that your precious little babies’ hearts are no longer beating. Soon I learned that what I was going through was a “missed miscarriage” also called a missed abortion or a silent miscarriage. When a missed miscarriage occurs the body does not recognize the pregnancy loss or pass the pregnancy tissue. The placenta continues to release hormones, which causes the mother to continue to experience symptoms of pregnancy. I had never heard about missed miscarriages before I experienced it myself.
I never knew that going through a miscarriage would be so lonely. Since we were still in the first trimester I hadn’t told anyone outside of my immediate family that we were expecting. After we found out that I had miscarried, I felt horrible that no one had known these tiny, cherished babies had even existed at all. Statistics say that 10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, but I didn’t know anyone close to me who had experienced a miscarriage. I felt like no one really understood what I was going through, even my husband! One day weeks and weeks after we lost the twins, I went to my husband bawling and I plead him to take the pain away. Of course he couldn’t. But he also didn’t really understand that I was still so upset about it. He had mourned the loss outwardly for a week and had pretty much moved on after that. I never really thought about how men might process the loss of a pregnancy differently. (I do know some husbands mourn the loss the same as their wives, though.) Finding ways to honor a baby lost through miscarriage were very helpful to me while I coped with my loss. The only real comfort I had, however, was that God knew my babies and one day we will be with them again. I like to think that my grandmas get to rock them in heaven.
The pain and sadness never goes away. I never knew that about miscarriages. Naively, I thought that losing a pregnancy after a few weeks would not be so devastating. But even three years later, my eyes still fill with tears thinking about the loss of our twins. I think of them all the time. August, the month we lost them, is still a hard month for me.
I never knew that having a miscarriage would affect my future pregnancies too. Every time I have an ultrasound I get so anxious and nervous that I’m almost in tears and my heart beats out of my chest. I couldn’t relax and be at peace during my most recent pregnancy because I was so worried at every appointment that there would be no more heartbeat. When I talked to some of my friends at the beginning of their pregnancies, they weren’t nervous or anxious at all. Miscarriage wasn’t even on their radar. Going through a miscarriage stole that ability from me. I didn’t make my pregnancy known publicly until I was 18 weeks along. I just couldn’t bring myself to put it out there before then.
I never knew that having another baby after a miscarriage doesn’t make the loss any less painful. I have heard mothers who have had miscarriages say that they end up being grateful for their miscarriage because due to the timing, the child they have now wouldn’t have been born if it weren’t for miscarrying the other. I just can’t get on board with this line of thought. As much as I adore my little boy, I know I would have adored my other babies just as much. Having a child already when you go through a miscarriage, knowing that you are able to get pregnant again, or having a rainbow baby after the loss does not diminish the pain.
Then there is always the guilt that seeps in after a miscarriage….did I do something to cause the miscarriage? I replayed the whole 3 months of pregnancy thinking of what I could have done or what I should have done differently.
Looking back now, I also feel guilty that I had a D&C instead of waiting to miscarry them naturally. The doctor gave me three options…taking pills that would initiate the miscarriage, waiting it out, or having a D&C. We researched all the options at home. I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle the emotional and physical pain of miscarrying on top of the excruciating sadness that I was feeling at the time. I was scared. Having to possibly wait weeks longer to experience it was just something I couldn’t imagine. At the time, I felt that waiting longer would just prolong the anguish. So on September 6, two days after our 3rd wedding anniversary and exactly a week after the doctor told us they had passed, I sang “Baby Mine” to my babies for the last time and went in for a scheduled D&C. In hindsight, I think waiting to miscarry would have given me more closure. I’ll always be forever grateful that we got to hear their sweet heartbeats before they left us.
Thinking of all of you who have been through this heartbreaking experience! You are not alone no matter how lonely it can feel.
“Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.” ~ Baby Mine, Dumbo
I am so glad you wrote about your experience. I also had a missed miscarriage. I felt so foolish, like I was “pretending” to be pregnant. And I wonder if the sadness will ever go away. Good for you for talking about it out in the open. When I talk about it, I find lots of other women that have also experienced our pain. Let’s keep talking about it and supporting each other.
Hi,
I have had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy this year. it has been really hard, and i know what you mean – everytime i think or talk about it i well up with tears. I know when i finally fall pregnant again i will be so worried the whole time 🙁 that is really going to take the joy away.. i have spoken about it a bit on my personal fb and it was nice when people commented or messaged me that it happened to them too. it really made me feel less alone, but also wonder why we don’t talk about it more? it really helps xx
This very identical to my loss. We got to hear our daughters heartbeat at 8 weeks 3 days. When I went in for my thirteen week appointment there was no heartbeat and there hadn’t been for two weeks, she stopped at 11 weeks 1 day.y doctor scheduled me a D&C that next morning so my boyfriend and I went home to have one more night with our daughters presence with us. June 1st will always weigh on my heart. We both got tattoos for her. Almost 5 months after losing her i got a letter from the hospital telling me where she was buried. Almost 5 months later and I still cry thinking of my due date in a few months, when someone I know comes out and says they’re pregnant. I do what I’m suppose to do and congratulate them but on the inside I’m screaming “this should be me” my boyfriend doesn’t talk to me about it anymore and I’ve refrained from mentioning her too much. I know he’s proud that we would of had a daughter, but like your husband he grieved with me for a week and went on.. I’ve read many miscarriage stories but none of them have been so close to mine. Thankyou so much for sharing your story❤
Your story is very close to mine, I was 15 weeks, on the 6 the September I woke up seeing some blood went to the clinic, they checked me & they said my womb is still closed, to me I thought I’m still safe they told me I must see a gaenocologist , when I get there he put me on ultra sound the were no heartbeat, when he checked he said my baby stopped breathing 2 weeks ago, I didn’t know about missed abortion, I thought if I misscariage I must have some signs. I had told almost everyone I’m closed to due to excitement as I have been trying for a baby for 13 years, now I had to explain what had transpired, I learnt to keek quiet should I get pregnant again I’m gonna keep quiet until everyone sees me
Manana,
You don’t have to keep it quiet. I didn’t tell anyone except my husband for my second miscarriage and I regret not sharing both the joyful news of her existence and the loss of her. It has eaten away at me. It makes me feel like she never existed. It felt much more isolating and I still grieve for her more than my other because I alone am aware of her light and life but also of her death. It doesn’t hurt less and we shouldn’t be made to feel like we should not have celebrated our little ones lives however short. I deeply regret never telling anyone. It hurts more than my first loss because I never honored her existence. Do me a favor and celebrate your next baby even if they don’t make it. I never got the chance.
I am so glad you wrote that. People have tried to make me feel guilty for sharing the news early. Because now everyone knows. But I really don’t care about that. I care about what I lost, and having support from those I told is a blessing to us. I don’t like how it’s forced on us to not share news when we’ve been trying to for seven years. If people knew about our struggle to conceive then they can know about our miscarriage.
I had a natural miscarriage at home, it was so painful and more emotionally scaring because I felt the baby grow in me, and then I felt the baby die in me. But I’m glad in end that I felt it regardless of the pain. It hurts, and will always hurt.
Omg. I was 8 weeks and two days when I lost my baby. I woke up for work at 3am and when I went to use the bathroom and when I wiped I saw a little amount of blood on the paper, I thought it was spotting. I went to work still and by 9am the bleeding got heavier and by 12noon it was even heavier so I went to see a doctor and he gave me an injection and put me on bed rest, thinking it would all go away. Sadly it only got worse. Next day I was bleeding so heavy I had to change pad every 2 hours so I went to the hospital and another doctor checked me and said that my cervix is closed tightly and there is no sign that I had lost the baby…but when she sent me for an ultrasound there was no sac or any sign of pregnancy, I had already passed the baby. Only God knows how much pain I felt when I was told that there is no sign of a baby. I cried my eyes out. I was depressed i lost so many weight. My boyfriend was there for me…he grieved with me for about approximately 1 week and he just threw it over his shoulder and got back up and I was still there so broken. I don’t even know if I will ever recover from that. I still cry for my little baby. I was due this month June.
I had a miscarriage with my second pregnancy. I already had a beautiful baby girl who was a little over a year old and that was what helped me thru. Had it of been my first pregnancy I can’t imagine.. I at least had her. I had two more pregnancies after the miscarriage and both turned into healthy babies. But I always had that anxious, scared feeling at every checkup waiting to hear the heartbeat. Every single time I noticed no movement for awhile would bring that fear on. That never goes away.
Oh my gosh I feel your pain. Thank you for sharing your story. I went through the same thing about 5 years ago. These days I wonder if the baby would have been a boy or girl and I always try to figure out why it happen. I find myslef still to this day blaming myself. I had a baby girl 16 months ago and every doctor appointment and every little pain or ultrasound I’d freak out. I’m thankful to have my baby girl today. But still wonder what if.
Both my sister and I had a missed miscarriage after our first children. It’s shocking and empty feeling. I understand everything you felt and went through. I had a D & C also, because I knew emotionally I could not have handled it, plus I had a 4 year old who happened to be in the room when the Dr broke the news. The silence as the Dr and nurse realized…it was excruciating.
So sorry for your loss. I suffered two miscarriages in a year. My son was 3 One at 16 weeks and the other at 10 weeks. I had some of the same thoughts as you not realizing how hard of an experience it would be. I think about those sweet babies daily. They are part of our family. I was blessed with another sweet baby boy 2 years after my first miscarriage. He is the sweetest boy and although I didn’t plan on my kids being 5 years apart he fits in perfectly. At this point Im not sure if we will have more kids. This last pregnancy was overwhelming and stressful because of the loss of the two other pregnancies. I wanted to enjoy it but was terrified that the outcome wouldn’t be me bringing a baby home in my arms. I dreaded my appointments expecting bad news, every little thing made me think I was going to loose the baby. I did gain a lot of strength and appreciation for my husband. He was hurting too all while taking care of me and our 3 year old. I don’t know why I had to go through this but I have been able to help and empathize with a few of my friends who have recently gone through the same thing. It has helped me heal in some ways. Time has made it a little easier but I will never disregard those two babies who are in Heaven. Thank you for sharing your story.
On August 30, 2016 I lost a grandchild by miscarriage at 17 weeks. I can’t imagine your pain as a mother because my pain as a grandmother has been very intense and deep. Jackson would have been my 8th grandchild and I can’t seem to get pass all the memories our family will miss out on without him here to share it with. I was blessed to be able to see and hold him. To say good-bye and say how sorry I was that I would never know him this side of heaven. I think of him, miss him and love him every single day! God bless you and thank you for sharing your story, your pain…..
Absolutely heartbreaking! I’m so terribly sorry for you and your family’s loss, Alicia. Thank you for sharing your story as well! Praying for peace for you and your family in this unimaginable time!
I don’t think many of us who have experienced a miscarriage realize how common it is- and how heartbreaking. My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage that I passed, but it was devastating. We were able to get pregnant again and have a healthy pregnancy (daughter who is now 7!) then my third pregnancy resulted in another miscarriage that required a D&C. I waited weeks for the procedure because of scheduling- and the doctor said it wasn’t an “emergency”. It was very traumatic to walk around pregnant with a baby who had no heartbeat. We were able to have another healthy baby after recovering but it was awful going through them.
Gillian,
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to “put it out there” but I can promise you it helps so many heartbroken women just like you! I have had four miscarriages, each of them vastly different. I passed the first one at 13 weeks and still had to have a d&c following. The second one was at 8 weeks (also a missed miscarriage) and I elected to go ahead and have the d&c. Third pregnancy was a success! Healthy baby boy! But I can say I was worried every day until delivery. I was really scared to try again for a sibling. I somehow thought I would be tempting fate. Five years later came the fourth pregnancy, another miscarriage, this time spontaneous at 15 weeks. Two years later, during my fifth pregnancy, we discovered my baby’s heartbeat stopped–at 24 weeks. This was the most traumatic thing I’ve EVER experienced. We had genetic testing done. Discovered that our little boy had heart defects, a malformed brain and likely would never have survived had he made it to full term. However, a year later, and after lots of prayers and tears, I became pregnant for the sixth time. I had a completely normal pregnancy and we added another perfectly healthy baby boy to our family! So, my two boys are NINE years apart. I’m thankful for them every day!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Michelle! It does take so much courage to talk about it.! I’m so terribly sorry for your four losses! You have been through so much, my heart goes out to you! <3
Thank you for sharing and being so honest. We lost our first pregnancy this summer. I desperately want to be pregnant again but am terrified at the same time. There are six pregnant women at my work that are all due within a month of when I was due. While it has been three months since my D and C, I see these women every day and think of how that could have been me. It’s a rough club to be in!
I hear you! I also lost my first pregnancy at 11 weeks in August, missed abortion. It was the first appointment my husband had been able to attend and there was no heartbeat. I am 36 and I feel so stressed out about being too old and so devastated. We told our family and friends early on because we were so excited and now I feel like my uterus is under a microscope since it became so evident how excited our families were and that they had been waiting for the happy news in the first place. There are literally 10 pregnant women at my workplace and I hate feeling so jealous but I can’t quite let the anger go yet. I really appreciate those who have shared their stories here- it helps to not feel so alone.
((Hugs))
I know your pain. I feel like I could have written this article! I’ve had two miscarriages.
My miscarriages (2) was through IVF – I had a D&C and also an analysis to see if there was anything wrong(chromosomal) with my son, there was nothing. It led me to aggressive autoimmune testing after that 2nd miscarriage. I have a condition called autoimmune related infertility, got pregnant naturally with my new husband and needed IVIG infusions, blood thinner, steroids, baby aspirin and have my miracle baby because of pursuing the cause. Having IVF I was told I had a “textbook” uterus, great embryos, etc. etc. and went through 2 specialists(had to do IVF then due to male factor infertility with my ex). I can totally relate beyond belief the stress of a new pregnancy, it was the most stressful time of my life down to my emergency C section! But I have a beautiful daughter now:) I wouldn’t have her if I didn’t go through all the agony and pain of my experience. Seeing that reproductive immunologist saved my daughter’s life. Its been 10 years since my pregnancy but with knowing so much more due to IVF there was closure and no more questions re: what happened. I would have probably with my new husband miscarried over and over not knowing what was going on with my body. Anyone here should look at the book “Is your body baby friendly” – it is a great resource. Hope my story helps someone out there.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m so happy to hear that you have your miracle! I hope that your experience can help others who are reading this post as well.
Thank you for this post. Sending you my love…I know how you felt. On October 12th my doctor did not see a heartbeat in our second utrasound. Out little pumpkin should have been 8 weeks. This was my 2nd miscarriage. The first one was last year in November. “Blippy” was 5 weeks and no heartbeat was ever seen. It was a natural miscarriage, where I bled, cramped, and in a day, all the products of conception was out. It was devastation since it was my first pregnancy. I had one chemical pregnancy this summer and started bleeding after I carried 4 bags of Miracle Grow (bad mistake!). Losing “Pumpkin” this last week was more difficult. I suffered in silence too. I decided to wait it out, and there was a small part of me hoping that the doctors were wrong, and maybe they just didn’t see the heartbeat with the ultrasound. When it finally passed, the physical pain was more excruciating and I too was begging my husband to do something to make it stop. I beg God to make it end soon. It was the most horrible 5 hours of my life. After all the blood clots and the what looked like placenta passed, and then came a sac filled with fluid..inside was my little pumpkin….8 weeks small, and I was too numb to even cry. I was more focused on finding a bottle of alcohol or saline, to put the tissues in so that I can bring those to the doctor. That afternoon, I didn’t even rest. My hubby and I got out of town that Saturday so we can stop focusing on our loss. I tried. I went to work the next day. It was lonely because no one seem to know how I felt. The fear of losing another baby came true for us. Two giant heart breaks, and now with more fear of even trying again. I hide in my walk-in closet to cry. My hubby don’t like seeing me cry. He took this worse than I did and sometimes when we fight, he tells me that its my fault coz I stressed to much! What I learned from the second miscarriage is that it is not my fault. I pray one day we can have kids. I will always love my lost babies, and in my heart, I believe that so much love will live forever.
Marie, thank you so much for sharing your story! My heart breaks for you! Sending you so much love and praying that you will have your miracle baby very soon! <3
It’s been 35 years since I miscarried our 2nd baby, then our 3rd baby. I tried so hard to keep my 3rd pregnancy, laying in bed a week bleeding. Back then, there was no information. No internet. No support. I went to the library for a book. No book. My kind doctor just said the babies had died well before I miscarried. My story has a happy ending, a healthy baby boy who is now 33. His big sister is 40. I still think about my lost babies and when I will see them some day. The pain does get easier.
Hi Janice! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t imagine going through a miscarriage without the support and information that the internet gives you access to! Thank you for giving all of us hope that the pain will get lighter! <3
I also had a D&C with my twins, when I was 11 weeks along. My uterus had started closing up, and blood was pooling. It was advised for me to have one because I could have ended up with a pretty bad infection. With 2 kids already at home, I knew I didn’t want, and couldn’t have something infectious to happen to me. I went in to the ER pregnant, and came out not. Just like that. It was pretty rough, and I didn’t feel as though I had any chance to mourn. I didn’t feel closure. It happened so fast.
One thing that I absolutely hate hearing from people is “you’ll get over it” or “it happened for a reason”. No, I won’t ever get over loosing my babies. “But you already have babies at home” yes, and they would have loved their sisters as much as we did/do.
I was told when we found out we were expecting them that “since my sister in law and I were pregnant at the same time with my oldest son, and her pregnancy ended in a loss at 16 weeks, it was only fair for me to get to know that pain.” That almost killed me. I thought her and I were friends, but a friend wouldn’t say something like that to a friend. A friend wouldn’t be so heartless, especially when that friend got to see and hold her baby, who she delivered at 20 weeks.
October 21 was my due date and that day is always so rough. I miscarried on April 3rd and delivered on the 4th. One year later, my due date wi5h my daughter was April 4th. She was born March 31 and is a thriving 3 1/2 year old now, and while yes, had I not miscarried I wouldn’t have her, the pain is still there and it still hurts. I still miss my twin daughters so much.
10 Months after a healthy pregnancy and birth of our baby boy, I fell pregnant with our baby girl. We lost her on 13 weeks, also a missed miscarriage.
Six months later I was pregnant again and on the worst night of my life, thinking I was dying (the most excruciating pain I ever experienced), I lost our baby boy 15 weeks into the pregnancy. We had him tested and the results came back… normal. I still can’t get over it… my body failed my baby!!
4 Months later I got pregnant again and lost that little baby at 6 weeks, a natural miscarriage.
2 Months after my 3rd miscarriage I fell pregnant again and going to the Dr for my first scheduled ultrasound at 8 weeks I got this devastating news AGAIN… no heartbeat.
I find myself in the most lonely situation ever.
My husband has been very supportive throughout, but I also experience his grieving different to mine, especially with the last two.
After the 4th miscarriage in 22 months we sat down and decided that we will not pursue this any further, seeing that we are not young parents and my husband feels that he can’t see me going through this pain (physical, emotional and spiritual) again. My heart is broken and I know the risks involved falling pregnant again, but my heart yearns for a little sibling for our 3 year old, a soft, warm little baby in my arms. But God knows best and I trust that I will one day see how HE is working this for my good.
Hi Marle! I’m so sorry for your losses! My heart truly goes out to you. I can’t imagine how awful it must have been to miscarry so many times. Praying that you find answers and will be blessed with another sweet baby! <3
Marle,
It truly is the loneliest feeling ever. Your body and mind have experienced an awful lot of trauma in the past 24 months. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Stay connected with your husband. Find ways to express all of the many feelings you’re experiencing. Writing here and prayer…you’re off to a good start! But don’t ignore anger, despair, sadness and the many other emotions that we think we need to hide. There are so many ways to get that out and acknowledge how you feel!
Above all else, have hope. Hope for whatever your future is going to bring. It WILL be great!
**This Reply is for ALL of the Mothers attached to this post. =)
No words can truly express the loss and the emptiness that we feel . It’s been almost 19 years and it still hurts . God bless us and our angel babies
I was married for 8 years and I have two children from that marriage. Unfortunately, I got divorced but years later I met who is my husband now. We had three miscarriages, the first was triplets, we assume due to my age. I was 35 years old, In all three miscarriages, the babies’ heart stopped working right around the 12 week. Once, my husband was talking to someone at work whose wife had gone thru the same experience and they were able to have a baby. We went to a doctor in Philadelphia that they recommended and the clinic, they transferred some white cells from my husband to my body; because apparently, I was allergic to his white cells. After that we were pregnant again.
Of course like you, everyday was an ordeal wondering if the baby was fine. Then, we went to the 12th week visit and the doctor said to us…Nope, you need another D&C! you can imagine how we were. However, on our way out, the nurse approached us and said, don’t do anything yet, first go to your regular gynecologist. (The doctor was an specialist). It was a Friday so we waited until Monday to see my doctor who said that the baby was doing fine!!!! So crazy! Finally, we had a sweet baby girl who is turning 19 in few weeks.. In addition, 18 months later after our baby girl was born, we were pregnant again. This time, the pregnancy was just like my first pregnancies when I was young. Not a problem, however, in the back of my mind, I was wondering if we were going to be able to have this baby.
He was born a healthy baby boy. Although everyone said that it was going to be the easiest delivery, I have to say that from my four deliveries,, it was the longest and complicated delivery from all four. He now is 17 years old. Yes, I took the aspirin, I stood on my head, I cried and cried after each miscarriage, part of you goes with the babies. However, I still count my blessings these days…
Thanks for sharing because even though it was so long ago, like many of you, I felt that no one around me understood what I was going through and friends were having babies while we were having miscarriages. We were happy for them but at the same time was kind of awkward. Yes, I had my two older children, but this didn’t make it any easier when we heard that I had to have d&Cs
Best wishes to all.
Thank you so much for writing about your experience! I’ve had 10 missed miscarriages then 2 healthy babies. My oldest would have turned 20 in August and I still feel guilty that maybe somehow they were my fault.
I also lost my first baby in the 10th week. We had told our family and quite a few of our friends a few weeks ahead of time. I am so thankful that we did tell them so early that I was pregnant because after we lost the baby we didn’t have to hide the pain and had a safty net to carry us through and ask how I was doing. Looking back I would again tell my good friends and family very soon after finding out that I am pregnant. I would not have been able to go through everything with no one to share with.
I also speak very openly about the miscarriage because I think it is important that other women realize it is unfortunatelly a lot more normal than we think and they are not the only ones that have experienced this. Now that other people know that I lost the baby they come out and tell me about their miscarriage experiences I never knew about.
Shared pain is a little easier to handle, I think!
Thanks for sharing your story Gillian and all you other mothers!
I miscarried our third pregnancy. I was nine weeks along. Our first two babies, a boy and a girl, were surprises. This baby was “planned”. I had planned on announcing this baby in a photo calendar that we planned on giving as a Christmas gift (a pregnancy announcement photo being for the month of July). It was not to be. I miscarried on 12/17/12. I had to remake the calendars (it’s an annual gift we give) and pay for rush shipping.
I didn’t have a D&C…just passed everything on my own. Pretty sure I passed at least part of the umbilical cord…at least that’s what it looked like. I felt I was throwing my baby away.
The following month I conceived our son. He was born in September of 2013. I had our fourth child, another boy, in April of 2016.
With the pregnancy I lost, I’ll admit that miscarriage was in the back of my mind from the start. I just had this weird, ominous feeling.
Most days I do well. I am happy with the family I have and know I am beyond blessed. Some days, however, I can’t help but still grieve over the loss. I really feel that the baby I lost was a girl and I sometimes feel cheated that I don’t get to have another daughter and that my one daughter doesn’t have the sister she so desperately wanted (though, she says she is more than happy to be the only girl and not have to share her room or toys). Then I think about how horrible I must sound…how ungrateful…when some people can’t have children at all. The cycle is endless, it seems.
On 11/14/16 around 3:20pm I lost my little boy at 16 weeks. It was unexpected. I sat in an eye doctor office waiting for my hubby to get called back. When my water broke and then in the women’s bathroom I gave birth to our tiny son. I was rushed to the ER and had to have a D&C due to a stubborn uterus. We got to hold our baby and marvel at just how tony and perfect he was. We both are reeling and trying to be braver for our two kids… we weren’t expecting our little one and he surprised us but we were anxiously waiting for his May 2017 due date., so we’re his siblings. At just a week out this is the hardest thing I have ever been through and your article is helpful because I feel the same way where God is concerned. As the song goes …”thy will” …I know your goood, but this don’t feel good right now….
Nikki, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so so sorry for your loss! How utterly devastating! 🙁 Thinking of you and praying for peace and comfort for you in the coming days. <3
I had two miscarriages. The first one in August 2013, just like you…I was only 8 weeks. My second miscarriage was in June 2014. I literally believed my life was over when I lost my second baby at 12 weeks. But my hubby and I tried again. Our little boy turned one in August 2016. As you’ve mentioned, I still think of the first and second babies. I wonder about their personalities. The oldest would be three. I am just extra thankful to God that I have my son. I would encourage all women who have miscarried to try again! Keep trying and I wish you all the luck in the world.
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage many years ago. I remember a day several years after it happened I was feeling so irritable and did not know why until I wrote the date and realized it was the anniversary of my miscarriage. It hurts for a long time, but peace eventually came for me.
I have come to feel that babies not happening on our time schedule is something most women share, we miscarry, we get pregnant before we plan, we can not get pregnant when we want to the first time or second or third. And yet when it happens to us we feel we are the only one.
Thank-you for sharing so we remember that what feels most unique is often what binds us together.
I am always so saddened hearing other’s story of their own miscarriage but in a way it’s more therapeutic to know we are not alone. For my first pregnancy, at 9 weeks my husband and i went in for our first ultrasound to find out we had a blighted ovum pregnancy. My body was reacting because a fertilized egg was implanted but no baby grows. I too was offered all the different options. I was so overwhelmed and filled with shock/grief that i asked for the weekend to make my decision. Well the decision was made for me and my body naturally miscarried. Which was just as emotionally traumatic to me but made the decision easier. I am thankful to report i have a beautiful 4 week old baby girl. But every step of my pregnancy brought doubts or fears due to that first miscarriage. I believe these things occur much more than we know among other women we just don’t talk about it enough. I applaud and appreciate you (and everyone else on this thread) for speaking out about your (their) experiences.
Hi Shauna! Thank you so much for sharing your story here.Congratulations on your baby girl! What a blessing!
Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my identical twin A at 22 weeks. B is doing well and I’m 32 weeks today. It’s had its ups and downs but I just have to keep remembering to never give up for B. It helped to read your story since it is quite similar. Thanks again.
Hi, Lizzie! I’m so sorry for your loss! Praying that the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly!
We went through 6 miscarriages and kept trying so wanting to have a child. Our Caelen was to be a twin. Her twin not only miscarried but saved Caelen’s life. The doctor could only see a mass pressing against my uterus and thought I was having yet another miscarriage. he could hear a heart beat though and put me to bed. It was in my 5th month of pregnancy and my doctor said he needed to prepare me for the possibility that my baby would be seriously developmentally disabled. He never mentioned abortion because he knew I would love any child. When I went into labor, I passed the mass on my uterus which was the twin twin that never really didn’t develop. I thank God for that poor baby that gave it’s life for my daughter,
Reading this post was very timely for me. I experienced a miscarriage while I was 5 months pregnant with my little girl. That was 18 years ago and I still miss my daughter every day. I too felt guilty for having a D&C instead of waiting for it to complete on its own, but when the doctor told me either me or the baby wasn’t going to make it, my choices diminished very quickly. I dod have another child sometime after that, but I think of my baby girl and miss her every day. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us, for it helped me to heal a little more from the hurt. Peace and blessings to you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Bunni! What a heartbreaking experience! I’m so happy to hear that my story helped you. Wishing you peace as well, friend!
Just stumbled across this blog through Pinterest. So sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in January earlier this year and it was such a roller coaster. Basically I didn’t know I was pregnant until it was too late. I had had a bit of a weird period (a bit late and definitely more painful than usual) and I started bleeding again only a few days after it stopped. I eventually went to an ob-gyn who happened to do a test and it showed I was pregnant. We estimated it would have been 6-7 weeks along already, although there was nothing on the ultrasound. She told me come back in two weeks as she wasn’t sure if I’d miscarried or it was still too small. A few days later J was experiencing horrible pains. I went back to the ob-gyn and of course she confirmed I’d miscarried. In a way I feel lucky that I didn’t know I was pregnant as we didn’t get a chance to become “attached” to the idea, but it was very emotional for me none the less. My partner and I will be trying again soon and I worry about it happening again.
I too had this happen except I had taken a pregnancy test before I started bleeding. I was also very sick and went to an Urgent Care Clinic after a dr told me to come back weeks later after I was cramping and bleeding to see if I had a miscarriage or it was just to soon to see. At urgent care (I found out at a dr later) I had a bad upper respiratory infection but the Dr wouldn’t give me antibiotics there because she said she had done the same thing and had an ectopic that almost killed her. I explained I had an ultrasound that said no ectopic but she insisted she wouldn’t help until I went back. So I was hacking and sooo very sick, bleeding, all alone with all my other children, my new husband gone for around a month at this time until he could get back, with literally absolutely no one to call. We have a beautiful one year old chubby boy now and are expecting but found out I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. Again, I have a respiratory virus, possibly turning to pneumonia (2nd time this year) and ended up at the er where the xray tech said I was showing less pregnant than I am, and no heartbeat was found, along with a subchorionic hemorrhage. A call to my old obgyn office got me an u/s and hcg level check along with call from a dr. The u/s tech wasn’t allowed to tell me if there was a heartbeat or anything until the dr called. She showed me the screen and I was soooo happy to see the flittering heart and the heartrate she gave me. Still worrying about the subchorionic hemorrhage but waiting until my appt mid next month to figure out anything. Fingers crossed because my husband recently had a vasectomy and this is our very last chance!
I had a baby girl via emergency Caesar (as my placenta had stopped feeding her), she was born 1.9 kilos only but is a healthy 12 year old now. After Megs, I had a miscarriage in week 11, super painfull, stressful and not nice at all. I started bleeding heavily and I had to fly 1000 km to see my doctor (we live in the bush) and when I landed that Sunday and was hoping for help, I phoned my Gyne and he said, it sounds like you are having a miscarriage, take strong painkillers, I will see you tomorrow, we are off duty today. So I stayed at a friends house, I went to bed, took strong painkillers and I cried and cried and cried.
The following day we had a check up and a D&C afterwards and we drove 1000 km back home, in pain, broken hearted and numb.
A year later I fell pregnant again and had a healthy baby girl2.9 kilo via caesaerian (luckily apparently my womb had a whole) (she is 9 today).
However we always wanted 3 kids and we tried 2 more times, to have the disapointing news, you are pregnant but something went wrong… The last time one of our bush doctors even said, I was pregnant in both tubes (eptopic pregnancy), but this wasn’t the case. Just a “normal”miscarriage.
After this my husband did not want me to fall pregnant again as it now became a danger to me.
8 years later (last week to be exact) I have found out I am pregnant again. Not really planned, but will this be our always wanted third baby? I am 44 years and 6 weeks pregnant only. I have high BP (hereditry) and your article bring out all the Memories of our little rainbow babies and also the fear of loosing again. I will fly to see my Doctor in week 9 and I am worried (I have changed Doctors and am very comfortable with him since the first one didn’t bother to see me on a Sunday). My Doctor knows my history and even though I am telling myself in my age and my condition it might won’t work out, having the hormones going crazy, I am rather tear full having read your article. Everything is spot on. I have not told my kids yet, neither my mother who lives super far away. Miscarriages are happening more than we know and we should talk open about it openly in order to deal with the emotions. I am blessed to have 2 beautiful daughters and will just have to see what is coming the next few weeks.
I can absolutely relate to each and every one of these points!! In fact, I was tearing up earlier today thinking about how it will have been 5 years next week that we went in for our routine check-up at 13 weeks (after hearing the heartbeat on ultrasound at 8 weeks) and found out there was no heartbeat. I will never forget that day..I felt like the world had stopped. We had our 2 boys with us because we told them once they heard the heartbeat they could tell their friends at school that they were going to have a little baby brother or sister. I too opted for the D&C because I knew that I could not stand waiting for it to happen naturally. But also because I knew I did not want to just flush away our dreams and precious baby. So I contacted our Catholic cemetery and found out that they bury miscarried babies in a special section. And a local funeral home would pick up the remains and arrange for a burial for a nominal fee (wish that was something that the doctors office would have told me about instead of me frantically calling around the morning that I was scheduled for the procedure). I can’t tell you how much closure that brought me knowing that he was placed somewhere in honor and remembrance. A few months later, I was pregnant again and just had a feeling that something wasn’t right. So at 12 weeks (we had just heard the heartbeat a week and a half before), I asked for a check-up and found that our little one was gone…again. No warning signs, no heartbeat. Same procedure except this time I was prepared.
After several more months of testing (I found an amazing recurrent pregnancy loss specialist), I never did find an explanation for our losses. But I also knew that if I did get pregnant again, I had done everything that was possible to prevent it from happening again. After “giving up” when we could not conceive for another year, we finally found ourself pregnant. And again, I can completely relate to the anxiousness at each appointment. In fact, I finally convinced the nurses to take my blood pressure AFTER the ultrasounds because it was so high when they took it before. I never did relax during the pregnancy. I was so attentive to each of her movements. I could not wait to have her in my arms. And with a lot of prayer, some wonderful doctors, and a baby aspirin a day, our precious rainbow will be 2 in April. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of our son and daughter (found out through chromosomal tests after the miscarriages). And although I certainly don’t think of losing her brother and sister as a means to get our daughter here, I do appreciate motherhood so much more after going through our experiences.
And one final note, after our losses, I read so many blogs about loss, preventing miscarriage, etc. I still find myself drawn to these types of stories. My husband used to question why I would do this. He always said it won’t change anything. And I would tell him, “because it makes me feel normal for having these feelings. It makes me feel like I am not alone.” So I thank you for sharing your story. I thank you for making me feel, 5 years later, that I am not crazy for tearing up when I think about those awful days and dream about what my son and daughter would have been like despite having my wonderful rainbow. It still makes me feel like I am not alone.
I also experience a missed miscarriage with my 3rd pregnancy. I had had two previous, healthy uncomplicated pregnancies. It was a total curve ball for me and my husband. We never heard a heartbeat. We spent weeks going to ultrasounds and having tests done. Finally they were able to determine that the little baby had detached from the wall of my uterus and was gone. I’m not sure what was worse. Finding out my baby was gone or the agony of waiting for each appointment with the faint hope that there would be a heartbeat. I choose to have a dnc. The idea of waiting any longer was more than I could bare. I’m now almost 20 weeks with my rainbow baby. The 1st trimester dragged on forever and was filled with anxiety about losing this baby too. Each appointment I half expected to not hear a heartbeat. I haven’t even been able to enjoy this pregnancy because I have been so worried. I envy pregnant woman that have never had a miscarriage. And I miss my previous pregnancies where I had no anxieties about losing my baby.
I’m coming up on the two year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I’ve had 2 miscarriages in a row since the birth of my first and only child…and am currently going through the issues/frustrations of trying to get pregnant again. Every month I feel a sense of sadness when I don’t see those 2 pink lines, but also a weird sense of relief as I fear miscarrying again so much during a pregnancy again.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It does help to write about them and educate family and friends who don’t understand who have never miscarried. My sister had FOUR kids before the age of 30, and my mother has 6 siblings and her mom never miscarried as well so I’m looked at as the black sheep of the family.
I’m sorry for your losses and happy to hear you have a toddler now!
I never comment on these things but I came across this article via Pinterest. Just wanted to say it’s one of the few that’s really rung true for me. I often think of blogging my own experience to share what you’ve shared – but I’m too superstitious until I have my rainbow baby in my arms (5 weeks to go! ). But the last point you made was why I wanted to comment. I had a missed miscarriage. Tried to go naturally for 3 weeks. Eventually took the medication. It didn’t work in the designated time scale so I was sent home. That evening was horrific. I would never choose that route again. In fact as I walked the corridor for my 12 weeks scan with thus baby, convinced I would get bad news again, I made up my mind I’d take the surgery asap so I could move on quicker (luckily there was no bad news – that came a few weeks later but we managed to cling on there) . So I just wanted to say that I don’t think there’s a better or worse way to miscarry. But given my time again I would opt for surgery. It took a month to miscarry naturally/ medically. That meant a month of limbo where everyday I waited with anxiety to see if today would be the day. It didn’t offer me the closure I thought it would and I just wanted to share that with you (I think us ladies are so hard on ourselves – second guessing all of our actions and decisions. You made the right one! ) xx
Congratulations on your rainbow baby! They truly are so, so special! Sending you all the good vibes and prayers that you will have a healthy baby in your arms in just a few more weeks! 🙂 I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that with your miscarriage! That is what I was afraid of, too. Thank you so much for your kind words! It means a lot to hear that I made the right decision! <3
I got pregnanat 9 years after we got married. We went through that time when everyone already said no baby is coming. Adopt one if you really want baby! OK, so after 8 years we made decision, adoption! Not three month later I was pregnant. What a gift! It went perfect from beginning, beautiful baby boy came to us and we were more than greatful for him.
And than 3 years later, pregnancy again. We couldn’t believe! I ran to the doc expecting the same news as first pregnancy…but…sadness was the answer. I was 5 weeks pregnant. Baby was too small so we hoped with all our hearts that everything would be ok. But…after 2 more weeks heart gave no sings…ok, praying and praying and praying….Lots of hope …but no heart beat… we decided to wait until naturaly miscarriage .
At 11 weeks pregnancy. On June 13, st.Anthony, baby went to heaven.
Our son said that his sister’s name is Joanna and when asked if he has brothers or sisters he says yes, one in heaven. He made that pain acceptable.
Can’t really describe that pain, no physical pain can compare with it. But, while that period I read that it’s pain of Love and for me it’s perfect description.
Thank you for sharing your story!
We just went through a missed miscarriage at 10 and a half weeks pregnant with identical twins. Its nice knowing we are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh Laura, I’m so sorry for your loss! Sending you lots of love! <3
I miscarried 10-week old identical twins, too. My first pregnancy. Hoping it won’t be my last. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for openly sharing. I too had a missed miscarriage. Unlike you, I chose to wait to miscarry naturally. Like you, I wonder if taking an alternate route would have been better (or emotionally easier) for me.
Sending virtual hugs your way mama… Our experiences have forever changed us.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I just had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, and the pain, both physical and emotional is excruciating. My pregnancy was unplanned, and I didn’t realize how much I wanted a baby until I lost mine. My husband is trying to be supportive, but I don’t think he fully understands. I can relate to every story here and it feels weirdly good to know I am not alone. It’s just so hard to imagine getting pregnant again. I saw my baby’s heartbeat at 6 weeks and it is killing me that he is gone. I can’t even pray because I feel crushed and devasted.
I had a healthy baby girl 2 years ago with absolutely no complications. I had no idea how grateful I should be until I had a D&C today at 11 weeks pregnant on my 35th birthday. Thank you for sharing your story as it captured exactly what I am feeling today. I know there is hope for the future, but for today just pain.
I had my first miscarriage 3 months ago, i almost lost myself. I greived in the most unimaginable way. It can really put you in a dark place if trying to go through this alone. I eventually reached out for help through family and friends and it has really helped get me through it. My husband and I have been trying for a year for our 1st baby together. I can tell you this has been the longest and toughest year of my life. I have tried staying positive, stopped tracking my ovulation because of just how stressful it was to become pregnant and that morning when i saw those two bright pink lines the joy the fulfilled my heart and my husbands was such a beautiful moment. I still greive today. Its a pain that will never go away. Thank you for sharing your story and letting us mommies know we are not alone in this.
I stumbled on your post through Pinterest and realized today must be a really hard day for you <3 I have gone through a miscarriage this year and you have described my pain to a T. Just know you have someone in Boston praying for you today.
Thank you so much Jaclyn! That is so sweet of you to leave a comment today. ❤️ I’m so sorry for your loss as well!
I just wanted to thank you, and everyone who replied, for sharing. I had my second miscarriage at 18 weeks not a month ago. I feel broken inside and I’m in so much pain, but reading all of this gives me some comfort. I am so scared to be pregnant again, I don’t know how I can possibly experience another pregnancy with joy and faith. Seeing how some of you had suffered several miscariages and still kept trying inspires me courage and hope. Thank you.
Thank you for your words. Your experience is exactly like mine. This happened to me not even a month ago and I have felt like will I ever stop crying. My husband and I have waited 18 years to have a family. This was our first baby and we only made it to 8 weeks. My heart breaks everyday but you have given me some understanding what is to come. Thank you
Thank you for sharing your story. I lost a twin pregnancy too and ended up having a d&c a few weeks later as my body wouldn’t let them go. It was heart wrenching. I related to everything you said. xx
I too had a missed miscarriage. I went yesterday for my 15 week appointment and there was no heartbeat and when they did the ultrasound it showed the baby passed at 12 weeks. I’m devasted and embarrassed I walked around for 3 weeks like I was pregnant while my body betrayed me. I had to have a d and c since my body wouldn’t let it go. I have two best friends who are pregnant and due two weeks after what my due date should have been. Hoping the pain gets easier to handle. Thanks for all your sharing-helps to not feel alone.
I am so glad you posted this. I too have had a miscarriage and feel grief about the loss. It was at the end of November last year and the same thing happened my husband and I had so much excitement about having our first child that we told a lot of people. I didn’t even think a miscarriage would happen to us but I went in at 10 weeks and our babies heart had stopped beating. I am 8 weeks pregnant now and I’m terrified each time that I’m waiting for the next doctors appointment that something is going to happen and I will have another miscarriage. I do still feel guilt from the loss of the first pregnancy even if it’s not my fault I tend to blame myself. I try to pray and give up control but it’s still hard. Thank you for putting this out there I can totally relate. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. Peace be with you!
I am currently going thru all this, miscarriage, just had to deliver my child at 17 weeks because at my gender reveal ultrasound I was told there is no heartbeat. I delivered him December 5th 2018 at 7:40p. It’s devastating and I miss my son something terrible!! I do have four step children and one biological child. But it’s still so hard even though I have children already. I am a Christian and love God very much, however I am still heartbroken and confused and angry… It just hurts…..all the time. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless
I had 3 miscarriages. One before my son and two after. The first I passed but still had to have a d&c. The second two were silent. It was weird because the doctor ordered an ultra sound with the second and then ordered a d&c. The third he ordered a second ultrasound two weeks later and said he wanted to be sure and not make a mistake. I’ll always wonder if he made a mistake with the second. It would be too painful to know for sure because there would have been nothing I could do to change it. But my son has been my greatest joy, the best Christmas gift ever. I try not to look back, someday I’ll be with them again.
I always told myself I didn’t want kids because I didn’t see myself ever in a position to have a baby with someone. I always really wanted at least one baby and at the end of January I found out I was pregnant. Was the timing great? No, but we had a plan. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait for my first ultrasound to hear the heartbeat and instead I was told that I had a missed miscarriage. That at some point my baby had stopped growing. I was confused, devestated, and in denial. I could have sworn they were measuring exactly where they were supposed to be at that point. I spent the rest of that night and the next day convincing myself that my baby was fine. It was only 7 weeks, maybe a little too early to hear the heartbeat. I had them take my blood and I also contacted another doctor for a second opinion. The next day I was called and told (by the nurse practitioner) that the ultrasound looked good and it probably was too early to hear the heartbeat. So, for a week I hoped, and prayed endlessly that when I went a week later that they would be fine and there would be a heartbeat. After another round of blood work (showing a downward trend in HCG levels) and the second doctors confidence in the first doctors diagnossis.. and the worst.. the ultrasound that still showed no heartbeat and no growth. I’ve been absolutely devestated since. I decided to wait it out and naturally miscarry. I began lightly bleeding the day after the second appointment and then 3 days later I began cramping and later that night I passed the baby. I spent 7 more hours in excruciating pain from cramps and bleeding so very bad. I cried for the physical pain and emotional pain. This was my first pregnancy and I feel jipped. I’m so sad all the time, but mostly when I’m alone. I feel like people don’t expect me to be so sad because it was so early in.. I feel like I have to pretend to be okay and so I just cry when I’m alone. I miss my baby. I miss being pregnant and I hate that I don’t get to look forward to holding my baby in my arms.
Thank you so much for sharing your heartbreaking experience. I am so sorry for your loss.
I had a missed miscarriage as well almost three years ago (read my miscarriage story here: https://mamarissa.com/my-beginning-of-motherhood-miscarriage/) and I completely relate to do many things you said.
I am so blessed to now have a healthy baby girl (toddler), and I never take that for granted. But you’re right, the pain of losing a baby doesn’t go away just because you have had a successful pregnancy.
December is my difficult month every year. We never let go of those precious babies we carried for a brief time.
I’m so glad I stumbled upon your story. I had almost exactly the same experience, missed miscarriage, no heart beat on ultrasound at 12 wks. Baby was only about 10 wks 3 days. Didn’t see it coming. This was over a year ago now. I will always feel grief over that loss, my husband has grieved differently, which is a challenge. I also had an Ectopic about 3 weeks ago (I was only 5 weeks along). The emotional pain is a bit different this time around, I guess I felt more attached with our first – seeing a heartbeat and being naive to even the thought of a miscarriage. Still having a rough time, trying to find optimism for the future. Thank you to all the ladies who are sharing their stories here. Helps to not feel so alone.
I just stumbled upon your post and wanted to share that I went through the same type of miscarriage that you did. My husband and I have been struggling to get pregnant and ended up having to do IVF. We had a successful IVF transfer in October and saw a strong heartbeat at 7 weeks 4 days and felt relief. My next appointment wasn’t until 10 weeks at my regular OB where they attempted the doppler. They didn’t hear anything, but didn’t seem concerned either and sent us for an ultrasound that we weren’t able to do until later that night. That was the worst experience of my life as we found out at that ultrasound that the baby we had worked so hard to conceive was no longer with us and had stopped developing just two days after we saw the strong heartbeat on the ultrasound. I was able to do another IVF cycle a couple months later, which was successful and I am currently pregnant, but every appointment is filled with anxiety and stress. I have seen the heartbeat twice on the ultrasound and heard it twice with the doppler, but it doesn’t make any appointment any less terrifying.
Every. Single. Word.
My experiences with two miscarriages on top of over a decade of infertility is so very similar to yours it’s like you are inside my brain. I still grieve those babies and begged by dad as he was dying to hug my babies for me. Even now as I write this comment, I can barely see through my tears and my miscarriages were 19 and 14 years ago.
Thank you for writing this.