Please, don’t ask me if I am going to have another child. I know to you it is an innocent question and you are only curious. If you ask, though, you may also have to ask why there are tears welling in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. I won’t be able to look you in the eyes when I answer.
You see, I struggle with infertility. A silent, heartbreaking disease that is always there. Always present in the back of my mind. Every time I see a pregnancy announcement or an adorable onesie in the aisles of Target I get a pangs of desire and heartbreak. Even though we were blessed with a son after the excruciating heartbreak of miscarrying identical twins at 11 weeks, there is no guarantee that we will be able to give our son a sibling.
My heart still yearns and aches for another child, just as it did before I had my son. We are trying and trying again to give him a sibling and there are no guarantees. I plead with God to take away my desire for more children if it is not his will, but my heart still yearns nonetheless.
I have battled, physcially, emotionally, and financially to grow our family, to fill our home with the sound of giggles and the pitter patter of tiny footsteps. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, and financially, from the years of struggle. The years of heartbreaks have taken their toll, yet I can’t give up.
We have nearly maxed out every financial resource that we have available to us and have reached the limit of what we can do. I’m quite literally running out of time. Giving up feels impossible and desperation has begun to set in… There’s nothing I would not do!
I hope against all hope. I give it everything that I can. I have tried over and over again. I’m in the trenches.
This is what infertility feels like. This is what millions of women around the world go through to have children. I am one of many, but feel alone. It’s a personal, private struggle that I have always kept to myself.
I fall down, dust myself off, and get back on my feet. Wash, rinse, repeat. Even so, no matter my determination or how hard I try, my first child may very well be my last.
I don’t lose hope. Hope and faith that God knows the desires of my heart are what get me through. I will keep trying until I can’t anymore.
Just please, please don’t ask.
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Laura says
December 4, 2017 at 10:27 amI just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I’m in the exact same boat as you. I have one child and my husband and I have been trying for another baby for three years. As I was reading this I felt like I could have written it because it’s exactly how I feel. It is a lonely hard road and trusting that God is in control and has a plan is soooo hard. Anyway, thanks for sharing this and yes, that question is the worst!!
Bek says
January 29, 2018 at 7:50 pmThank you for sharing. This put into words exactly how I’ve been feeling and haven’t told anyone. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, the day before my check up and the pain never goes away, It was three years of trying before I had my gift from God, my little miracle boy. I’ve seen world renown specialists, done Eastern medicine, had corrective surgery, but yet my four year old son has no siblings. Something I learned from trying to have my son was that there are things that I can’t control no matter how much I try and cannot lean on my own understand, but instead must give it all to God.
But it’s still hard… I constantly get asked by strangers when I’m having more kids, like it’s in my control. Five of my closests girlfriends are all pregnant and due this year.
What’s most heartbreaking is when my son pretends he’s an older bother to his stuffed animals and asks me at bedtime why he has no one to sleep with him (because his cousins down the street all sleep together). My husband and I both quit our high paying jobs and moved to a place where we have no friends because it’s down the street from my cousin who has kids by sons age. If he can’t grow up with siblings, he’ll at least have family…. But it’s not the same.
I still go on, hopeful, faithful. If it’s in God’s will, he will open up my womb. God’s timeline is not my timeline. Look at Sarah, Rachel, Hannah. If it’s not in His will am still grateful to have the most amazing little boy, but please don’t ask me if I’m going to have another child.
Gillian @The Darling Days says
January 29, 2018 at 9:21 pmThank you for sharing your story, too! It can definitely feel so lonely, so it helps to know there are others out there going through the same circumstances. Sending you prayers that God will bless your family with another precious child! <3