Please, don’t ask me if I am going to have another child. I know to you it is an innocent question and you are only curious. If you ask, though, you may also have to ask why there are tears welling in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. I won’t be able to look you in the eyes when I answer.
You see, I struggle with infertility. A silent, heartbreaking disease that is always there. Always present in the back of my mind. Every time I see a pregnancy announcement or an adorable onesie in the aisles of Target I get a pangs of desire and heartbreak. Even though we were blessed with a son after the excruciating heartbreak of miscarrying identical twins at 11 weeks, there is no guarantee that we will be able to give our son a sibling.
My heart still yearns and aches for another child, just as it did before I had my son. We are trying and trying again to give him a sibling and there are no guarantees. I plead with God to take away my desire for more children if it is not his will, but my heart still yearns nonetheless.
I have battled, physcially, emotionally, and financially to grow our family, to fill our home with the sound of giggles and the pitter patter of tiny footsteps. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, and financially, from the years of struggle. The years of heartbreaks have taken their toll, yet I can’t give up.
We have nearly maxed out every financial resource that we have available to us and have reached the limit of what we can do. I’m quite literally running out of time. Giving up feels impossible and desperation has begun to set in… There’s nothing I would not do!
I hope against all hope. I give it everything that I can. I have tried over and over again. I’m in the trenches.
This is what infertility feels like. This is what millions of women around the world go through to have children. I am one of many, but feel alone. It’s a personal, private struggle that I have always kept to myself.
I fall down, dust myself off, and get back on my feet. Wash, rinse, repeat. Even so, no matter my determination or how hard I try, my first child may very well be my last.
I don’t lose hope. Hope and faith that God knows the desires of my heart are what get me through. I will keep trying until I can’t anymore.
Just please, please don’t ask.